Do's and Don'ts

Dear Drinker,
Sorry I have not written in a few weeks, i have had to deal with the pre bank holiday, the during bank holiday and the post bank holiday. It went well. The pub was in a complete state of disarray for about a week after, but what the hell we got through it with only minor scrapes.
Whilst working this frightful weekend i have been observing the general public whilst in the pub and i have a devised a list of do's and don't when entering a pub. Hopefully this will help those of you who are new to ordering drinks/food whilst in a pub.

DO'S

• when arriving at a pub which is 3 deep at least at the bar, please make sure have memorised all the drinks which intend on purchasing before the bar person asks what they can get you
• if you see that the person serving you is slightly stressed behind the bar, or literally looks like they are dying of thirst......offer them a drink and make it a large one. You may find that that simple gesture may get you served a lot quicker the next time round
• by all means, if you want to sit with your friends outside in the wonderful bright lovely sunshine, and there isn't enough seats, please take some out from inside, but don't take it out without asking as you may notice the bar staff going into a state of panic when they think the furniture has been nicked (you can never be too careful these days, trust me)
• smile
• mention to the bar staff in passing that they are doing a wonderful job and that you are really glad that you are spending your bank holiday effectively with them
• if the person shouts who's next don't point to the next person out of politeness it wastes time, just shout your order or shout me the bar staff will appreciate the balls of doing this

DON'TS

• come to the bar with no idea what you are ordering and the say you will go and find out what your mates etc want. you won't get served, simple as. It is irritating.
• come in drunk and try and chat up the bar staff. You will look like an idiot and it will take you twice as long the next time you come for a drink as you will be know as the 'bar rat'.
• do not and i really mean do not mention the lovely weather outside. the last person someone behind the bar wants to hear is how nice the sun is when they are stuck behind a bar for another 6 hours without even a glimpse of daylight effectively serving drunk sun stroked people
• if you insist on being sick (at this point you should really start evaluating your drinking habits and head home) please aim for the toilet, not around the toilet, not on the walls of the toilet, not in the sink or in the urinals, just aim for the toilet. It gets a bit much when at the end of an extremely busy night to then spend an hour removing sick from the ceiling
• have a go at the bar staff because you have been waiting 2minutes at the bar and you expect to be served straight away. go somewhere else as you will no doubt be waiting another hour if you say that to the bar staff. it is rude.

There are plenty more of these which no doubt i shall tell you about when the time comes. But for the moment take these into consideration and try them out when you next go to a pub. You will either find yourself an honoury regular for the way you conducted yourself so wonderfully in the pub or you will find yourself no doubt forceably removed by the locals for your terrible behaviour.

Goodluck

The Barmaid xx

Check on

Dear Drinker
On a few occasions during the week i work in the pub kitchen as the 'chef'. When i say chef i mean i'm more like a walking car crash involving large sharp knives, hot oil and a lot of salad. I have one order up and the kitchen literally looks like a bomb site.
The lunch shifts are starting to get busier as the sun is starting to come out more. When this happens the pub seems to be swarmed by day trippers, tourists and little old ladies who love a glass of sherry or two. Don't get me wrong i like the fact the pub is getting busier and i'm not stuck the kitchen twiddling my knives. But, why is that when these customers come to the bar to order food do they insist on causing havoc and generally ordering food which does not even appear on the menu in the first place. Do they bring their own menu from home and order off that? I really have no idea.
So, an order comes up. I have a look and start to decide how i can make this food without harming myself and anyone who dares enters the kitchen. The check reads: Ham, Egg and Chips. Not a bad order, i can cope. Just as i start, the barman comes upstairs sheepishly. "There's more to the order than that" he says. Turns out the person who has ordered it (what a suprise, one of those little old ladies who has definately had at least two large sherrys) wants the ham cut no more than a millimetre thick (just one slice mind) as she is concerned she won't be able to get her dentures into it, the eggs are to be nice and runny with no burnt bits round the edges and as for the chips ..... no more than a small handful which are golden and not too salty. The barman then legs it from the kitchen before i even have chance to start demanding this woman comes upstairs and meets me. Bloody ridiculous. I set about making this food in the correct way her ladyship wants. Suddenly another ticket comes up. Then another. All in all 17 checks come up at once. I start to really panic and go into meltdown. Luckily i get the first order out pretty quick (without dropping knives in the deep fat fryer or getting salad stuck to the ceiling). Right, i look at the next order. I can do this. I then the familier sound of the barman's feet on the stairs. I turn round to see him with the plate of food i have just done. "She doesn't like iceburg lettece. She would prefer little gem lettece if you have it." He says. "No, we don't fucking have it" I said. "We only have one type of lettece here." Just as he is leaving to give the old dear her food back and to tell her to put up with it (in a polite way i hope), the other barmaid comes up. "Right" she says. "Theres more to all these orders". What does that mean? Where do these people get these food ideas from? Why can they not just order quietly and politely at the bar with the correct menu and then go and sit down with their little old mates, have a nice glass of sherry and talk about the olden days? I try and breath. I slowly put the knife down i am clutching and turn to her slowly. "Would you please go and tell those lovely people downstairs that there may be a slight wait on food and that i will do their food how i damn well wish as this is not Claridges or the Ritz but a little old pub where they should be grateful they are getting any food at all." I said. I manage to get the food out, not on time, as I have to make sure the tomatoes are nice and shiny for one customer, the cheese is finely grated for another, and the bacon extra crispy for one day tripper (it's not good bacon unless it's nice and burnt apparently). Once done, i look at the kitchen. A complete mess. It takes me an hour and a half to tidy up. Good news is i didn't manage to cut, burn or spill fat on me today. Im getting better, but i wish the people ordering the food would do the same and get better at it and not stress me out.
Today i was an angry chef.
Love the Barmaid xx

Last night I was a counsellor

Dear Drinker,
There are times when you don't just serve drinks to the weary customer. There are times when you are also a counsellor. It can be very hard to try and sound sympathetic when a slightly drunk person is sobbing into their pint because their brothers daughters boyfriends mums pet gerbil has just died. This is what drink does to the unsupecting customer. It causes havoc to their emotions.
Last night a gentleman came into the pub. I had on one occasion asked this gentleman to remove himself from the premises for (you guessed it) being drunk and emotional. The last time he came in he thought the best way to deal with his emotions was to hang on to the cistern in the loo and rip it off the wall. Now, it would have been alright if he had not then claimed that it 'just fell on him' and that he was going to get his people onto us. And this is where the emotions finally kicked in ..... he suddenly just started sobbing, not just quietly in the dark corner of the pub with The Invisibles, no, right bang in the middle bar. His girlfriend had left him it turned out and he was not welcome back at his home as he had ripped the doors of their hinges there. Do you see a pattern? So, this gentleman in question came back last night for a drink. I quietly spoke to him at the end of the bar and explained the reasons why i would not be serving him (notice I said quietly, i did not want to embarrass the chap). And what happened ..... he denied all knowledge. I could of stood in the pub and reinacted the events which had taken place that fateful day but thought better of it (I wanted to spare the chap some dignity). No, what I was saying was all a lie and then he said that good old line again 'he'd get is people onto us'. At that point I left him to it. I tried to help him before. Then suddenly, the next thing i know, this horrible sobbing sound started coming from the end of the bar. It was him. I went back over. He explained his girlfriend had left him (you know the rest). The next thing i know im consoling and counselling the gentleman on how to change his life around.
Last night I was a counsellor.
Love The Barmaid xx

Welcome to The Drinkers Club

Dear Drinker,
Whether you drink larger, bitter, cider, spirits or good old soft drinks (or maybe your one of those people who go to a pub and ask for a coffee or tea when there is a perfectly good coffee shop just next door) you are more than likely to of entered the drunken world of a pub.
Drinkers fall into 3 catagories:
1. The Invisibles. These are the ones who like to try and remain invisible to others around them by sitting in the one dark area of the pub reading the newspaper and nursing a pint for as long as possible before they have to make the trek back to the bar without anyone noticing them.
2. The Regulars. These ones regularly turn up at the pub (generally like clockwork) have a bit of banter with The Locals (see number 3 for more information), claim they are not big drinkers whilst necking at least 3 pints before their 1 hour lunch break is over and then merrily skip on their way.
3.The Locals. These ones are the most interesting of the 3. They generally are the ones waiting outside the pub trying to look inconspicious to others before opening hours. They regard the pub as their second home (sometimes even their first home). No barstaff or management can make a decision about the pub before consulting with The Locals. This may include what colour napkins to have or what airfresher to use in the toilets. Some readily admit they like a drink (or 10) whilst there are others who deny the fact they are regulary drunk.
All 3 types of customers come into my pub on a daily basis. As times goes on you get to know the ins and outs of these people and what makes them tick, and so will you.
Love The Barmaid xx